I have been really questioning my faith lately. I was raised in a Nazarene church, and when I was old enough to go with friends, I went to a Baptist church. When we moved, I switched to a Methodist church. So here lately I have been thinking, and I have been quite confused about so much. I have a really good friend that is going through alot of the same things im going through right now. He was raised Catholic and hes been going to a Methodist church with us alot. Hes also questioning his faith, and its really hard to give advice, like i normally do. Because right now Im not where i want to be in my christian walk.
This post is going to ramble because i have not been able to write anything for a long time.
so I got a lot to catch up on!
I am busy trying to get things ready for college.. and this is way more stressful than i thought it would be. Everyone makes it look so easy! I have to apply for scholarships and grants. Its going to be tough. But im not going to give up! I applied at Arkansas Tech, where i really want to go. and Im waiting to hear back to see if I got in or not.
In the midst of all of my faith problems, i have really been upset about one of my friends i grew up with. she was my best friend and now we dont even talk anymore because of the decisions she makes, i do not agree with. Me and Brett ran into her about a week or so ago, and she looked horrible. Not being rude, but she looked like she was on some major drugs, and she had lost so much weight. She had also told me some very disturbing things, im not going into detail, but i was crushed. My friend i talked about earlier in the post is also going through this. He also has lost all of his friends due to bad decisions. I nor him have any friends right now besides Brett.
I have questioned myself alot on this. Am i supposed to just forgive them and be friends with them anyways? Am i supposed to say its ok for them to do these things and move on? Am i supposed to hang out with them anyways? I am not so sure about how to handle these things. I have lost all my friends to drugs and alchohol. Not really literally but mentally. I dont hang out with anyone. Its my senior year and i havent done anything. If someone were to ask me, What have you done with your life your senior year? I would say NOTHING. because even if i have done something, i feel so empty.
I want to change myself so bad, but Im not really quite sure how to go about doing it. I dont want to change for worse.. i want to be a better person. I want to have friends like a normal teenage girl. I want people to call me and text me all the time asking me to hang out with them. I want to feel loved. Because i sit and wonder all the time why i dont have friends. I want so bad to help people, but how can i if i dont have anyone to help? what did i do to make it to where i dont have friends? Is saying NO to drugs really that bad? Why do you lose friends by saying NO to drugs and alcohol? It should be the other way around!
Im so lost and confused and when i need friends the most, i dont have any to help me.
My senior year has been really tough because Brett is in college, and i have no life at home.
So its hard for me to get around when all i have to think about is him, or what hes doing.
I wish i had friends so we could hangout and i wouldnt ponder on things like that.
Also. my photography has really been in my heart lately. I really want to put it out there, and my cousin gave me the idea to sell some on ebay. she has been seeing alot of pictures being sold and thought that would be a really good way to get started out. Im really glad she called me because i dont know what i would have done if she wouldnt have. Im even more excited about my photography now, and im ready to get it out there so i can start shooting at different events.
But through everything thats going on right now, im trying to keep in mind that anything is possible with god. Im really trying to keep my faith even though the devil is trying his best to get to me, im not letting him.
